Most people know a Bunch of Old Guys by now. Ah, but "most people" is not enough people. It's time for the world to read the real story, the amazing and nearly accurate tale of America's legendary Old Guys. Cactus-kicking. Horse rustling. Dr. Love-Daddy. Keep reading for all of the lurid details.
OLD GUY MIKE
We can't print the full list of Grandpa Mike's career achievements: the Internet might run out of paper. At a glance, though, you can see why the media once referred to Rhodes-Scholar-turned-NBA-star-turned-U.S.-senator Bill Bradley as "possibly the next Mike Alexander."
Mike was a founding member of the seminal rock 'n' roll bands the Blanks, the Igmoes, and Gandalf. He's a three-time winner of the Law-Abiding Citizens' NFL Football Pool. His achievement in frogstanding has been unmatched in the 30-plus years since his graduation from Needles (CA) High School, and he is suspected to be the only living human to have successfully assaulted a cactus with his feet.
Mike was voted Mr. Saigon of 1973 and Mr. Fix-It of 2003. He is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records 2003 ("The Prince of Epoxy," page 981, honored for having fixed every broken thing in western Oregon at least once) and in Who's Who in America (identified as "Theorist of Creative Continuity"), and he currently holds the #3 position on Dick Cheney's personal Do Not Call list, where he is said to be gaining on Noam Chomsky.
In the new millenium, he continued to astound critics with his work with the Old Guys as well as the groundbreaking youth trio Alex, Alice & Banjo Bob, and a nascent Internet-based "Draft Mike" movement is gaining support among the disgruntled Democratic Party faithful. Get ready to vote early and often!
"There must be some mistake," reads the letter of denial from the Department of Justice. "The individual known variously as 'TED,' 'The Electronic Drummer,' 'BOSS,' 'Dr. Rhythm,' and 'DR-770' is not currently and never has been a participant in the Federal Witness Protection Program." Hmm. That does not explain, however, the lack of any photographic image of the Old Guys' reclusive drummer since his storied public performances in 1967 as part of the young J.D. Salinger's garage band. Nor does it shed light on the apparent modifications to the above photo, which its holders at the National Archives attribute to the agency's brief experimentation with biodegradable inks during the back-to-nature '60s. Some conspiracy-minded fans speculate that TED and Doug met during a secret undercover assignment in Burkina Faso in the mid-1970s. Others claim that Doug actually brokered the "purchase" of his bandmate as part of some sort of international commodities exchange. Rumors, rumors, rumors. Will we ever know the truth?
T.E.D. does not grant interviews, is not available for reference checks, and does not respond to requests by email, phone, mail, Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. Rumors of an active Tinder profile remain unconfirmed.
OLD GUY DOUG
Details on Doug's early career are sketchy and in much dispute. Based on recently declassified documents, it appears that Doug began work as a runaway model at age 13.
His path to stardom was sidetracked when his plane ticket to the Givenchy show mistakenly dropped him in Paris, Texas, but he quickly rebounded by penning the #1 radio smash "Take Me Back Home." Highly regarded studio work with Ray Charles, Miles Davis, and Sonny Boy Williamson led to a coveted feature role on Parliament-Funkadelic's Electric Spanking of War Babies World Tour as the bionic funk superhero Dr. Love-Daddy.
Details on Doug's middle years — his invention of the fast-food taco, his little-known national service as "Agent 009," his brief marriage to Elizabeth Taylor — will be added shortly, just as soon as our applications under the Freedom of Information Act are granted.
OLD GUY DON
Fans of the Old Guys know Don as a fine guitarist, singer, drummer, songwriter, and also the only man to ride a runaway horse through the streets of Needles, Calif., and live to tell the tale.
Sadly, we lost Don a few years back, gone way before his time. View our in memorium page to share memories of the man.
Sandy and Marion, also known as the Guyettes, are without a doubt the hardest-working part-time backup singers in show business.
Marion Rose Johnston is a hobby songwriter living in Medford, Oregon, who has wanted to jam with Mike and Doug since the early 70's. She is proud to be a Guyette and says that she has been inspired by the Bunch of Old Guys to record some of her own originals soon. Marion plays piano and psaltery.
Sandie Rose McDonald was born singing, or at least that's her earliest memory. She was harmonizing with 2 sisters and a brother on long car trips, and was 25 before she realized that not everyone could automatically "hear" the harmony notes to sing. Sandie has been singing and playing with the Old Guys since they were Young Guys, and can recall some memorable all-night parties. Her lifelong ambition is to blackmail them all someday. Her contribution to this album was coerced, and also under the influence of alcohol, and she probably wouldn't be convicted by a jury of her peers.
Sandie has been, and always will be, slightly younger than Doug, with whom she shares a birthday.
"To get back my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." — Oscar Wilde
"The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened." — Saki
"Someday I'll be #1, I'll drive a big car, you'll hear me on the radio. I just don't see how I can go wrong..." — "Number One"
"If you're going to hit into a double play, strike out."
— Old Guy Mike